The Change in the Air

The curse of being young is that you don’t know what you don’t know. There’s no way you could. The curse of age is that you now know what you didn’t know but have no way of going back. Maybe there is something about maturity that teaches you when it’s time to let go of those regrets you can do nothing about. Today as I type, the changes are circling my life. Some things are speeding up, like the growth and activity of my children, and other things are winding down, like my use of a stroller or teaching the ABCs. My oldest is going to be 12 in a month and my baby isn’t a baby at all at 5 years old, learning to read. My marriage is 16 years old and still we’re learning how to show up and be better together than we have in the past. I’ve spent several years reviewing homeschool curriculum but that is changing in the near future. We have been active in our co-op for a few years but this year it has increased drastically. All three kids are in our local homeschool choir and 2 of them get the chance to be part of a state honor choir this year. Mr. Butler and I had the unique chance to sing in choir together in college and it is one of our favorite memories together. Our kids getting the chance to experience a taste of that and loving it makes me a bit weepy, I’ll admit. Learning about ADHD a few years ago and now having the ability to recognize what system is failing and why in order to remedy meltdowns and outbursts is a little surreal. So much is changing while there’s so much I wish I could go back and do differently.

There was a time when I longed to be married, to have children, to be an accepted adult. Oh, how I wish I could talk to that girl and reassure her of a few things and teach her many more. There are relationships that I had that I wish I would have nurtured differently. There are opportunities that I wish I hadn’t been so afraid of. There are choices that I wish I had responded differently to. That regret has eaten me up at times, especially when I worry that my choice might have neglected someone. I have worried about or felt responsible for many a foolish choice by people I love. They were never my responsibility, but my heart has resisted accepting that. So, as the leaves are changing and the weather is cooling off, my spidey sense knows things are changing elsewhere too. One of those big changes is a choice I’ve delayed in making for far too long. Those regrets, those missed chances or balls dropped, I am going to let them go. The foolishness of youth can’t be deleted in the scheduled future. There are only the wise priorities of maturity and age that matter today. When my daughter was 2, I fought with her a lot on taking naps. She would throw fits and I would get so worn out and stressed. I should have just laid down with her to help her sleep. I regret all the stress that I experienced and caused because I didn’t understand what was going on with either one of us. I feel responsible for that stage in her life that could have gone better. It is tempting to lean in to the misery of regret. I should have done so much better, but I can’t do ANYTHING about it now. But I can take joy in how often that same girl wants to sit next to me or hold my hand as we walk. I can be forever grateful that I now understand how important it is for her to stay home sometimes or not go too long without eating. She and I don’t do big roller coasters. She takes comfort in knowing that she can decline any ride she wants because I will always stay with her and then ride milder ones with her. I need to let go of the inflamed part of our relationship from a few years ago and cling to the beautiful one still unfolding in front of me.

There are relationships that I’ve been waiting on to turn around and fill my needs too. There are boundaries that I’ve hoped others would respect without much of a word from me. There are responsibilities that were never mine to begin with that I’ve carried far too long. It’s time to embrace and appreciate what is instead of living in agony over what isn’t. Change is never easy but sometimes you are given gifts that help you know it’s time. My mama heart for having more kids was convicted otherwise after my 3rd pregnancy and all of its challenges. The perpetual pain of rejection can push you into moving on eventually. There just comes a time when you realize there’s no use in wasting anymore time on the things that aren’t serving you or other people. I’m thankful that I’m finally turning that corner.

Due to all the changes in my life, my personal writing has taken a back seat and I’ve only taken time to focus on reviews lately. As things are shifting even more, I hope to spend more time using this platform for personal writing purposes. I miss it. I need it. It’s where I really started anyway and I’m ready to go back there. Writing about what happened helps you process and learn from what happened. It’s a truth that I’ve gotten away from in the name of busy-ness but I’m learning I need to get back there to keep it all together. Here’s to change…