Apologies

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you early in our marriage.”

He had finished up some work and I finally got to a stopping point with the kids’ school. As we laid down on the bed to decompress from it all, that was the first thing he said. We’ve been married for 17 years. I asked if he was referring to something specific, but he wasn’t. We both knew what didn’t go well early on. We have grown into completely different people since we began and there are so many things we could have done better.

“I’m sorry for all the ways I hindered us and got in the way of what we needed to be doing.” I said.

From the very beginning of our life together, he was offered a really cool job right out of college, but it was in San Antonio, TX. I had never lived anywhere but Oklahoma. There were a lot of reasons I gave him for not moving, but the only real one was my fear. I wish I wouldn’t have stood in his way like I did.

The apologies weren’t exactly necessary. Nothing can change the past and there are good things about where we are now. So why even mention it? Acknowledging the role you or I played in hard things is one of the most important things we can do in relationships. I know full well all the things he has had to struggle with and I also know how committed he is to me now. But the unprompted words he said validated the young bride who thought it was going to be different than it was. He didn’t really owe me that apology, but I left that moment feeling seen, understood and safe.

We don’t know what life would have looked like if we had moved to San Antonio when we first married. Apologizing for not moving isn’t really that significant, because of all we don’t know. He also chose not to move. Maybe the apology isn’t exactly necessary now, but acknowledging how I didn’t give space for his needs matters a whole lot. That impacts today. The destination of 17 years ago is irrelevant now, but the skills to listen and help him be heard directly impacts the quality of our days now.

It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize and acknowledge that I’m bad at apologies. My brain likes to jump to excusing or explaining with an intent to move on as fast as possible. Over time what that really means is that I apologize as little as possible. Even when I take blame, responsibility and a whole lot of shame internally for what I perceive as wrong, speaking the words of apology and taking responsibility for my role out loud just didn’t happen very much. It is easy to dismiss the need to apologize because “they should already know.” And maybe they do. Saying it or at least acknowledging something about it is where healing wounds begins.

We often talk about what we would do different, if we could. There’s a lot of regret there. There’s also so much beauty in seeing the human ability to change over time. I don’t love the mistakes we made, but I’m starting to really love how much more beautiful today is in light of those mistakes.