“I’m sorry for the way I treated you early in our marriage.”

He had finished up some work and I finally got to a stopping point with the kids’ school. As we laid down on the bed to decompress from it all, that was the first thing he said. We’ve been married for 17 years. I asked if he was referring to something specific, but he wasn’t. We both knew what didn’t go well early on. We have grown into completely different people since we began and there are so many things we could have done better.

“I’m sorry for all the ways I hindered us and got in the way of what we needed to be doing.” I said.

From the very beginning of our life together, he was offered a really cool job right out of college, but it was in San Antonio, TX. I had never lived anywhere but Oklahoma. There were a lot of reasons I gave him for not moving, but the only real one was my fear. I wish I wouldn’t have stood in his way like I did.

The apologies weren’t exactly necessary. Nothing can change the past and there are good things about where we are now. So why even mention it? Acknowledging the role you or I played in hard things is one of the most important things we can do in relationships. I know full well all the things he has had to struggle with and I also know how committed he is to me now. But the unprompted words he said validated the young bride who thought it was going to be different than it was. He didn’t really owe me that apology, but I left that moment feeling seen, understood and safe.

We don’t know what life would have looked like if we had moved to San Antonio when we first married. Apologizing for not moving isn’t really that significant, because of all we don’t know. He also chose not to move. Maybe the apology isn’t exactly necessary now, but acknowledging how I didn’t give space for his needs matters a whole lot. That impacts today. The destination of 17 years ago is irrelevant now, but the skills to listen and help him be heard directly impacts the quality of our days now.

It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize and acknowledge that I’m bad at apologies. My brain likes to jump to excusing or explaining with an intent to move on as fast as possible. Over time what that really means is that I apologize as little as possible. Even when I take blame, responsibility and a whole lot of shame internally for what I perceive as wrong, speaking the words of apology and taking responsibility for my role out loud just didn’t happen very much. It is easy to dismiss the need to apologize because “they should already know.” And maybe they do. Saying it or at least acknowledging something about it is where healing wounds begins.

We often talk about what we would do different, if we could. There’s a lot of regret there. There’s also so much beauty in seeing the human ability to change over time. I don’t love the mistakes we made, but I’m starting to really love how much more beautiful today is in light of those mistakes.

Journaling has been my absolute favorite since I was old enough to keep a diary. I’ve filled many journals in my 44 years and left even more unfinished. The ADHD trait of unfinished projects is definitely one I am familiar with. Still, the need to process and track life’s events is something that brings joy and emotional clarity, even when I don’t complete them. In December of 2022, I ran across a picture on Instagram of someone’s embroidery journal and instantly fell in love! Now that I’m more conscious of my tendency to not finish projects, I immediately got anxious at the the thought of doing one myself because I would hate to not finish it. Not finishing brings with it a lot of shame and nobody needs to carry more of that around. So, I ruminated on the idea for a few weeks, still unsure if I would commit to something like this.

During this time, I was also growing more and more aware of my stress levels being too high and needing some better ways to cope. From an ADHD perspective, any kind of hobby that involves the hands is really great for using up extra mental and emotional energy. I’m not a seamstress by any means, but I’ve embroidered a few quilt blocks so I had a some leftover supplies. As 2023 was about to begin, the novelty of the idea sucked me into diving headlong into the project. I went to Walmart for some material, new colors of thread, and a larger hoop. I downloaded a blank template from Embroiderers’ Guild of America and copied it onto my material.

The purpose of any journal is to document events to varying degrees. For this embroidery journal, it still helped to write down things that happened or people’s birthdays I wanted to include. In my head, I imagined I would sit down regularly and draw or embroider in entries, but that happened only for a week or so. Real life included recording interesting things in the back of a notebook under the title of each month. I also imagined that I would do a lot of this work at home in the evenings. It actually was mostly done during church services or large social events. Having something to do with my hands helped my focus and listening attention increase drastically while also soothing excess emotional energy. A typical ADHD struggle is emotional regulation where emotions don’t come in small steady flows, but huge blasts of tsunami proportions. For me - and my daughter - keeping the hands busy helps to manually support that regulation. My daughter has learned to crochet over the last year and she has learned to bring it with her anytime she expects to be sitting for a while.

The experiment in all of this was whether or not I would actually finish it. Since I was really afraid I wouldn’t AND I wanted to prevent being discouraged that it wasn’t perfect, I told myself there were no rules. I could put whatever images I wanted that meant whatever I wanted them to mean. Some of them are obvious like fireworks in July or a pumpkin in October, but many of them you won’t know their meaning unless I explain it to you. I think those are my favorite. A friend was looking at the finished product and asked me what something meant and I had to think about it for a second. So, maybe writing up a key would be a good idea! The other aspect of not worrying about it being perfect came in the timing of it all. Truth be told, I finished half of September and all of October, November and December over the course of 5 days in December. Which, to the ADHD community, makes perfect sense! That deadline is often the last minute push we need to cover all the ground we could have gradually covered over the past several months if procrastination hadn’t reigned supreme yet again. Still, no rules except for the 2023 label meant that it didn’t really matter how and when as long it pertained to 2023.

Now that it’s a week into January, I can officially call the experiment a success! I completed all 12 months and I have already cut out and penciled in the months for a new one. What I will do with the completed journal is still up in the air. It could be turned into a pillow, put in a quilt or just tucked away in hiding, I guess. I’m leaning towards finding a great frame and putting it up on the wall somewhere. If I continue this, I might store the past years in a large scrapbook or journal, which feels redundant and ironic, but feels right just the same. Whatever the case, we’ll just wait and see. What would you do with it? I’d love to hear some alternative ideas!

As much as I might enjoy my kids on a really good day, I will still be thankful when bedtime comes. No matter how valuable and good something might be, breaks are still necessary. This year has given me a lot of things, but, boy, am I happy to put 2023 to bed.

Even though bedtime is about sleep, there are still a few things you have to do to get ready for it.

What Went Wrong

I have to admit some of the things I did wrong this year before I can march into the next with any hope of success. This year I really resisted change, even when I knew it was necessary and right. Just because something hurts doesn’t mean it should be avoided. It could actually be communicating what needs your attention the most. I also made a lot of assumptions this year. Turns out assumptions are wrong. A LOT. Especially mine. I spent more time assuming what other people were thinking or going to do than I did making sure my stuff was in order. When I was focusing on other people’s business, not only was I neglecting my own, but I also put a lot of stress on the people in my household. I think I regret that the most.

What I Learned

Reflecting on what you have learned is invaluable for moving on. Before 2023 there were some things I genuinely didn’t know or understand. One of the biggest ones is that no one is going to do the work for you or come in and save you from yourself. This year I discovered that I was carrying around a very immature thought that I had very little control over how or when my emotional needs were ever going to be met. It is like going to the store for ingredients for dinner. Upon arrival, if you find out they don’t have what you need, it would be foolish to just wait there expecting more to show up. No, you go to another store who does have it. 2023 has taught me how to let go of circumstances that do not feed my soul and seek out those that do. I’ve learned what codependency is, how it has shaped a lifetime of choices, how to start recovering and ultimately look for the person God intended me to be. My parenting skills have been challenged by all of this too, which ultimately has brought me more awareness and hopefully a greater capacity to teach my kids things I am only just now learning. That is a huge blessing.

What I’m Proud Of

For years, I have been a very emotional and reactionary person. I would try and intend not to, but I always seemed to be taken by surprise when the surge of feelings showed up. This year, I was still far more than I was explosive. There were still reactions and such, it just trended down over the year. I can’t begin to explain how proud I am of that. It might be a chicken and egg situation, but this year a few of my chronic ADHD symptoms have begun to improve. Especially the last couple of months, my executive functioning capacity has increased. That means that my ability to make decisions and determine priorities has been easier or lasted longer than before. This is probably one of those invisible hardships that people without ADHD don’t see or fully understand. It might seem silly to say out loud, but increasing my endurance where executive functioning is concerned is probably one of my biggest accomplishments of my year.

There was a lot of 2023 that I just didn’t like. It was lonely, unexpected and painful a lot of days. But you know what? Today, the last day of the year, I can say with the most sincere heart that I am so grateful for 2023. It has answered so many prayers in this single year. The peace and calm that it has brought is worth all the pain. So, my heart is full as we put 2023 to bed. I have no idea what kind of year we’ll wake up to tomorrow, but I’m more prepared for it than ever before.

"Dad, she's not listening. She's mad about something."

Before my husband had even looked up at me, he had started talking extensively about something, completely unaware of where my head was at. My 13 year old son hadn’t missed a beat on what was going on with me though. The fact that he picked up on it so quickly, without me saying a word reminded me how powerful unspoken things can be. When we live with each other day in and day out, our body notices things that our consciousness may never realize. One of the things I’ve learned this year is how much my sensitivity - to people’s moods, situations, all the details a brain can carry - was the result of my body trying to ensure emotional security and eliminate any danger or threat. The confusion that ensues is when you need other people’s emotions to be managed in order for you to feel okay. It can feel like other people’s emotion or state of mind is controlling you. That’s unhealthy, like adrenaline over time.

At bedtime, he asked me if I could rub his feet and I said I would.  He hadn't been feeling well and it usually seemed to help.  After I told his brother goodnight and started to sit at his feet, I sighed.  I was tired and in the most stereotypical motherly way, my heart just wanted everyone to be well and okay.  He immediately said, " If it's too much,  you don't have to work on me."  I laughed.  I can't even sigh out of love without being eagle-eyed. But that is what he’s learned.

"I told you I would work on you.  If it was too much, trust me to tell you that it is." I smiled and tried to assure him, but I understood his fear.  I'm still learning how to be honest with those around me about when I'm okay to help and when I'm not.  I tried to concisely remind him that it was my job as an adult to communicate my needs and limitations and it was his job to believe that I meant it. 

"Do you think you could put that cream on too or is that too much?"  He was honestly trying to differentiate where his needs could be and where my needs were supposed to be.  Something I was ashamed that he had to question, but knew it had taken me 40 years to understand that myself.

"Of course! There's nothing wrong with that.  I need the reminder sometimes.  Especially if it makes you feel better."

The last thing I want is for my children - or anyone else for that matter - to feel so controlled or handcuffed by my emotion or state of mind that they don't feel like they can communicate their needs at any point.  And now that I've unknowingly created these dynamics, I feel panicked to fix them.  That's part of the reason I write about it.  It's painful to see traits I've lived with, thinking they were entirely something else, now acted out in front of me in my family.  We never want to feel the blame of something like that, but to deny our part is beyond foolish.  So, I write and process and look for paths through it all.

As long as we are alive, we still have hope, just as a live dog is better off than a dead lion.

Ecclesiastes 9:4

It can be a heavy weight, knowing that you’ve taught someone something that isn’t good or right. It’s even heavier to want to change it and just not know how most days. Old habits die hard, as they say. The good news, I’m told, is that simply by acknowledging the issue, you are changing the direction of the problem towards healthier things. We can’t go back to the past and undo the mistakes. I’m hoping I can teach my kids skills that I didn’t have that can help them navigate what is and what will be in their lives.

There is a beautiful balance where others know you well enough to sense some of your feelings, but also you feel safe enough to share the depth of your experience with them. In a healthy, perfect community everyone could experience space set aside for themselves when it is needed. Maybe you are blessed with that in your life. I hope so. Right now, that is what I desperately want for my little family, but we aren’t there yet. Maybe that is what 2024 is for.

Change and new things really aren’t my favorite, but as this year has proven, I do better when I lean into them rather than resist. So when Mr. Butler excitedly started looking into Trail Life and American Heritage Girls as a possibility for us to explore last summer, I didn’t bat an eye. By September, he was ready to sign everyone up and give it a go for the year. If you’re not familiar with these two organizations, they are much like boys and girl scouts with a Christian focus, complete with campouts, earning badges and community service. Even though our schedule was already pretty full with co-op, choir, and sports, we had Tuesday nights mostly open (Zoey had to cut a soccer practice a little short) and both groups met on the same night at the same place. 5 or 6 years ago I would have never believed that my little family could handle all these things or better yet, thrive in them, but as it turns out, there really are different seasons for different paces.

As of this writing, we’ve been involved in these groups for one semester only, which gives us only so much experience. Still, here is an overview of what we experienced. Beginning in September there were weekly meetings where uniforms are typically expected. The whole troop would come together during the evening (AHG at the beginning and TL at the end) and also break into their respective age groups. My 13 year old son is a Navigator, my 6 year old son is Fox and my 10 year old daughter is an Explorer. During their group time they learn and participate in activities that go towards badges they can learn. Throughout the semester, there were service and fundraising opportunities that we participated in, including a flag retirement ceremony during a campout. Many of these events earned badges as well.

Each kid has had a unique experience that has been just what they needed. Rory gets the chance to explore all kinds of outdoor things with regular reminders that God made it all possible. Not that he needed it much, but it’s certainly boosted his confidence and independence. Zoey should be receiving an Aviation badge, a Soccer Pin, a Physical Fitness badge and a couple of event badges for this semester’s work. She’s making friends, but also being motivated to dive deeper into certain things in light of our identity in Christ. Jude has probably benefited the most, simply because of his age. His age group camps a lot and is working on a badge that requires a lot out of him. It’s been really positive for people - especially men - to have expectations for him beyond just his dad and me.

The double-edged sword of homeschooling is that you as the parent/teacher are in charge of everything. You get to decide how the learning happens, which is kind of the whole point, but it can be overwhelming and exhausting when you feel alone in it all. Doing other things - like joining a co-op, sports, and now this - really does diversify the people in your child’s life AND helps lighten the burden of responsibility to all the things. After 8 years or so of homeschooling, I’m still learning a lot of lessons. I’ve seen in real time WHY we choose this path. We get to walk down all the new paths together. I also have grown more familiar with all of my limitations. I just can’t do it all and I never should have thought that I could. Expanding the opportunities my kids have to learn from a variety of people in a variety of circumstances has been a huge blessing to me and my kids. From an ADHD perspective, which seems to be a factor for all of my kids, the structure of badge requirements and built-in opportunities to fill said-requirements helps set us up to succeed on several levels. Because it doesn’t always come naturally to me or brains like mine, I am learning to value organization and structure more than ever. As the semester is coming to an end, I can honestly say our Trail Life and American Heritage Girls experience was a success and we plan to continue!

"It's not your job!" I said for what felt like the tenth time that day.

"But it feels like it is!" he said with the threat of tears in his already lowering 12 year old voice. 

We had been arguing more and more about when it was his job to tell his siblings what to do and when he took it too far.  In that moment, my breath left me and I knew what he meant.  I had lived with that feeling my whole life.  So many times it felt like it must be my job to instruct, correct, guide, lead, and ultimately take responsibility for everyone else.  Not necessarily because I wanted the job, but because it felt like it was my job - it felt like no one else would.  Or sometimes it felt like I was expected to because I was able to.  Whatever the reason, I never got the message that much of what other people did was not my responsibility and often none of my business.  I never should have carried the weight of the world, especially not for that long.  As I heard my son sum up my whole life with that one reactive response, I knew there were some things that had to change in my parenting.

All my life I picked up all the rocks that others were dropping in an attempt to help.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  Those rocks were left in my path and I kept tripping over them anyway.  What I didn't realize was how much responsibility I was taking away from the people who dropped the rocks.  As I was developing, it never occurred to me that I was teaching the world to give me their rocks and silently hoping they would come back for them, but unaware I could put them down.  Fast forward to parenthood and I had instinctively begun to teach my son that picking up other people’s rocks - like his siblings or his parents - was his job too. That’s a lesson I never would have given him intentionally, but so much of life is lived out absent of true understanding. Since that day, we’ve been slowly walking back from blame, responsibility and assumptions that weren’t said but heavily communicated by my own emotional turmoil and habits.

This year has been a long lesson in regulating my own emotions instead of expecting the world around me to do it for me. My body has been screaming at me for a while that the continual stress I experienced was not good for me. I could change my circumstances, but the turmoil I felt inside didn’t seem to change that much. The problem wasn’t the stress, it was me. Seeing the immense (and unfair) pressure I was unknowingly putting on my son to pick up the slack when I couldn’t cope like an adult convicted me all the more.

So, I’ve been spending more time reassuring my kids when my emotion is and, more importantly, is not about them or their responsibility to fix. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize what was happening. We talk about individual roles and responsibilities in ways I’m still wrapping my head around. It feels embarrassing to be struggling with something I’m trying to model for my teenager. And yet, that seems to be what parenthood is like a lot. Ready or not, here we go kind of days.

This week my best friend had a birthday. We celebrated a little here and there, but this week has been a dive into busy routine with little time for huge fanfare. Since we aren’t able to fly to a faraway place or take a week off from real life to tour hole in the wall restaurants, I’m writing down some of what he’s done for me.

He picked me. He picked me in the beginning, but then he’s continued to over and over again. Lots of times when I didn’t really deserve it. He makes me laugh so much. As an engineering guy, his logic didn’t always know what to do with my colorful approach to life, but when I broke it, he tried his best to fix it. When I lost it, he would probably replace it. When I bite off more than I can chew, he helps me carry it. When I hurt his feelings, he (eventually) forgives me. When I’m stressed, he takes me on walks to talk about it. He gives me breaks, cooks almost half the time and takes willingly takes the kids on errands. He loves those kids and takes being their dad very seriously. He always looks at scripture in ways I would never have considered. When I’m driving and getting anxious - in the rain or a game of Mario Kart - he reminds me to look further down the road to see where the white lines are heading rather than getting hung up on what’s directly in front of me. When I dream, he tells me why it will never work, and then suggests something more achievable that’s usually better anyway.

He works really, really hard and most of the time isn’t quite sure he’s getting it right. His job is pretty demanding right now. He’s coaching a soccer and a volleyball team this season. He’s teaching a PE class at our co-op this semester. He plays games and makes art with our kids. He sits and talks stuff out when a kid (or two) isn’t getting it. And sometimes, he worries if any of it matters.

“What’s a soul mate?”

“It's uh... Well, it's like a best friend but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person. Actually, they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself - because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did, or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you will always love them. Nothing can ever change that.”
― Dawson Leery

While the whole soul mate idea may be debatable at best, the description in that quote hit me different. In our early years, I had a regular fear of him dying before we ever had kids. My young mind was afraid I would forget my life with him, but if we had kids that somehow I would have something to remember him with. It’s a silly, overactive mind that concocted that, but I understand now how he will be with me forever, no matter the future. We’ve been together long enough and been through enough hard stuff that if I ever have to live without him, his imprint on me is permanent. Our friendship, his encouragement, the commitment he makes daily to the life we’re trying to build is a gift from God that I haven’t really understood before this year.

So, Happy Birthday, Mr. Butler. It all matters more than you know.

We’re a few weeks into new habits and new curriculum and hanging out in the gap right before co-op, sports and various activities start up again. This year J is in the 7th grade with an actively lowering voice, feet almost as big as his dad’s and trying to master time management and independent work. Miss Z is in the 5th grade with fresh piano skills coming along, a great eye for drawing and those beautiful curls still bouncing! The Racecar is in the 1st grade with an industrial size creative streak that sort of tolerates my interruptions of schoolwork, a growing desire to entertain us and a new best friend in our dog, Scout. As parents, we often lump the three of them into ‘the kids’ category, but it is good for me to remember that they are 3 unique humans with different strengths, struggles and lives to lead.

They are all doing well overall, but I think this will be the year that we lean into ADHD processes and solutions as a family. With Miss Z and I taking up the limelight in this category, the boys have gone overlooked when it comes to the speed of their brains. The brain differences of ADHD present themselves differently in boys and girls so if you’re only looking for one specific type of child, it’s easy to miss the rest. Looking at my kids through an ADHD lens doesn’t ultimately justify bad behavior or do away with standards. Instead it helps parent and child understand the child’s brain in order to equip it with better tools to address the real problem. Did you know that lying is a common ADHD symptom that results in the brain trying to cope with stress and avoid more trouble? Did you know that impulsivity and forgetfulness can create really sticky situations for kids that find it easier to lie to avoid making the issue worse? It doesn’t justify lying, but if I understand what might be going on, we can work together to solve the real problem. Otherwise, it often turns into a stand-off of punishments and parental frustrations that want to escalate. So, focusing on the uniqueness of all of their brains is the goal for now.

Since J started Kindergarten we have used My Father’s World for the bulk of our history, Bible and science curriculum and the Racecar just finished Kindergarten. Even in the curriculum I feel like we’re in a new place. This year we are studying Exploration to 1850 (American History) and attempting to memorize the entire book of James. I’m excited about the American History, but the memorization is a bit daunting - parents are encouraged to do it too of course. So, we’ll see how it goes! J is trying out volleyball at the Y for a change and the other two are continuing in soccer. With co-op and choir, we keep busy. We also are attempting to try out Trail Life and Heritage Girls. We’ve heard good things so as long as it doesn’t put a strain on our schedule, we’re optimistic. The legitimate debate about how much extra-curricular is too much is a fine line. I never realized how tricky it becomes when you have a full spread of ages. How much different is my youngest’s life than my oldest when he was that age because of how much we did or didn’t do outside of the house? For better or worse? I don’t have a lot of answers, but checking in with each person in the family to see how they’re doing regularly seems like a great place to start. Are they struggling with important things? Do they have time for important things, relationships? If there is too much stress, it’s worth considering what can be left off this year. But it isn’t an exact science and every kid is different. :)

I would like to say being your child’s teacher is easy and wonderful, but that’s not a reasonable thing to say ever. Being the decision maker for a lot of things is a lot of work and pressure. That’s the reason many parents never consider homeschooling. Either they don’t feel capable or don’t want to the responsibility because it is a big job. That being said, I love being able to see the progression of all of my children from non-readers singing their ABC’s to readers who comprehend and laugh at a joke in something they just read. I’m thankful to discuss whether or not Christopher Columbus discovered America, whether there should be a holiday in his honor and what that means for us today. I get to do stuff like that all the time. I’m incredibly thankful for the freedom in Oklahoma, but also the hard work of Mr. Butler who makes sure I can stay home at all. This year I am focusing more on organization in preparation for J moving to high school in a few years and being more thankful because the wonder of learning is definitely growing older in our house. I want to enjoy it more before it develops into other kinds of wonderful things. I mean my oldest man-child was moved to the high school choir and can’t participate in the youth honor choir activities because his voice is officially changing!?! Ready or not, here we go!

While my kids are attempting to learn their slated things each year, mom ends up with her own education too, like it or not. As we head into September, I’m trying to learn how to take the time and space that I need to better manage my stress and mental health. And I’ll be honest, that is a hard thing. We don’t usually realize how bad we need some kind of break or space until it is too late. Most moms will tell you that when we feel handcuffed between needing to take care of ourselves (shower, exercise, write, plan, etc.) but feeling like the price of sacrifice is too high. It FEELS like someone else’s needs will have to be neglected in some way and then mom ultimately has to pay the price eventually anyway. My education this year is to learn how to do it all differently. If I want my children to ask for what they need to live a healthy, balanced life, then I must learn to demonstrate that for them.

So, there we are in a nutshell! The decision to homeschool is multi-faceted, but today I’m really thankful for the time I have with my kids.

Around here, the end of summer break is usually in the middle of August. Even though we homeschool, most of our extra-curricular activities follow a version of that schedule too. And to say that summer is over feels incredibly bizarre for lots of reasons. The first being that it is incredibly hot here in Oklahoma. Today it dipped into the low 90’s and it felt amazing! By the end of next week its supposed to be back around 100 degrees. So as for the seasons of the year, summer is definitely still in full swing. Daylight is another one. I’m writing this at 8:30pm and I could take a walk around the pond and still get home before the sun sets. We complain about the heat or being out of routine, but the world getting dark at 5:30 shoves our heads into depression sometimes, doesn’t it? This beautiful daylight regenerates my soul, even as it’s almost out of view. Maybe it’s the ages of my kids, maybe it’s a different life perspective running through my veins this year, but I am really resistant to rushing through things this year.

Our busy culture tempts us to avoid or rush past life in the name of getting somewhere else, but what if I want to stay right here for as long as I’m allowed? I’m looking forward to fall and winter for all the comfort they bring, but there is good right here. There is good right here that might be gone soon and I guess I’m ready to accept that reality instead of avoid it. Accept it and face it accordingly. When my son’s moods fluctuate as much as his adolescent voice or the dog gets out for the 15th time chasing the guy on the bike down the street, I know there is good there and I’m ready to see it. My children are healthy enough to push into their next stage of development. That is something to celebrate. I have a smart, beautiful and good natured dog that has brought us so much joy this year. She is a great blessing. Maybe the cyclist didn’t feel blessed by her today, but who knows? I just want to live in it more. Maybe it’s mindfulness or engagement or just not going through life in a stupor of fear or reaction. Whatever it is, I’m trying to soak it in before this summer really ends.

There is so much about fall that I love, but honestly, we get cheated more often than not with a week of fall and then blasted with winter, while having been in tank tops 2 weeks before. I really don’t want to cheat myself out of the good right here by getting hung up on things that don’t matter as much. One of my favorite spots to write, think or just be right now is my front porch where a cozy corner waits for me with a bench and a big windchime (that I got when Costco marked it way down). I want the joy I get from spending time out there not be voided out because of the messes that I will find inside the house. It will sometimes, but it’s not good for me to live there.

Whenever your summer really ends, I hope you feel filled up. It’s not all perfect and a lot of it might be really hard. The sun can burn our skin if we’re not careful, but staying inside like a vampire is no way to live. The thorns and stickers that might hurt us should never block out the beauty of the waves on the ocean or the wildflowers in the meadow. Let’s soak all the beauty in until we’re all filled up.

One day in early November, I was taking a shower and Randy cracked the door, quickly saying, “We don’t have to talk about it now but what would you think about us fostering dogs?” The suggestion was almost as surprising as the manner in which it was suggested, but, if you know my husband, you know he rarely does anything he hasn’t already thought about at length. By the Sunday after Thanksgiving, we were picking up a very cute 5 month old puppy. As busy as we can be with church, homeschooling, sports, choir and co-op commitments, it might seem like this was a rash decision that we would soon come to regret. However, it is now mid-January and we are seeing the many fruits of this choice still unfolding.

A little history…

We are animal people to begin with. Less than a year after we got married in 2006, we had gotten 2 dogs that we loved until they died at ages 10 and 14. The 14 year old passed away last February and I’ve been mourning not having an animal in the house, but also not sure I was ready to commit to another one. They bring me a lot of comfort and the 10 year old, Grace. was my dog that had such an emotional temperament. All I really want is another one like her, which Randy knows and he quickly warmed up to fostering as a way to have animals in the house while still looking for the dog I want.

Benefit #1: You get time to shop around for what kind of animal would work best in your house. With any official fostering programs, you always have a choice to say no to any animal, have choices as to gender, age and breed, to limit the time you can foster the animal, to go on a vacation, or take a break from fostering. If you are unsure about fostering or unsure about what animal your family really needs or wants, this is an ideal trial program.

Why would we add this to our already full plate?

It is true that we lead a full and busy life, but one of the bigger frustrations that I have is that I am a mom with ADHD to kids that share a variety of ADHD symptoms. Discipline and structure doesn’t always come naturally to any of us and it has grown more and more apparent that they needed to be more independently disciplined with their chores and schoolwork. The busier we are, the less of me there is to go around and it grew clear that everyone was waiting for me to push them. A little tip for dealing with anyone with ADHD is that they like things that are new or novel. New supplies, new setup, new obsession, new DOG, anything new increases the dopamine they are inherently low in and helps the internal motivation to increase. Fostering animals with the idea that our house is a temporary spot for them to recover, put on weight, gain some training and prepare them for finding a good permanent fit teaches kids (and adults) a lot of compassion, patience, dog training and commitment to something outside of themselves.

Benefit #2: Fostering an animal gives your family an opportunity to learn skills of service through the novelty of a new animal. As a homeschooling family, it’s my job to give my kids a well-rounded education. Besides our Christian values imploring us to serve, I feel like it is important for them to be willing and able to serve others regularly and not just be satisfied to receive. This is a small way that they are learning that the world is bigger than themselves and when given resources, they should use it to help others whenever possible.

But what if I don’t want an animal?

Not everyone is setup for animals, that’s true. Allergies might be holding you back and that can be really disappointing. Still, some people think they don’t want an animal, but have never really given it a chance. If that is you, I think you don’t know what you are missing. Animals can be work, they require a little bit of money, and most need some training, but they give you more than they take most of the time. The comfort of an animal that sits at your feet, begs to play or simply follows you around to clean up the crumbs your kids drop is simply one of the comforts of home to me. Do you know what I missed the most after my dogs died? Having a good cry in my closet with a too-big-for-my-lap dog in my lap. Trust me, I’ll be the first person to say not all dogs are created equal. Finding one that suits you can take time, but once you do, it will quickly feel like they’ve always been there.

Benefit #3: Animals, while not the same as humans, provide comfort, purpose and joy to the family who owns them. If you have children in your house, they deserve an animal to care for at some point. If you struggle with loneliness, you deserve the comfort of a constant companion. Need a good listener that won’t interrupt or give bad advice? Animals are notorious for not talking very much!

How can you handle giving up an animal after a short time?

I think it’s all in your mindset from the start. In a very real sense, you are doing this animal a big favor by keeping it out of the elements, providing a safe space without 50 others competing for attention and teaching it some manners. Fostering usually happens when animals are about to be put down due to lack of space. You are saving it’s life. So in a sense, you have already done so much for this animal. By eventually sending it to a permanent home, you are providing that same salvation to another animal. We are enjoying our current foster dog, but we are also looking forward to whoever we might get next. Female puppies are our preference and always bring a level of cuteness in the beginning. So, whatever attachment we feel for a foster we find a home for will be replaced be the exciting newness of the next one.

Just like every kid is different, animals come in all sizes and personalities, but if we let them, they always teach us lessons about the world that are worth learning. And if we aren’t willing to learn and grow, how are we living the life God intends for us? If you are wanting more information about fostering in your area, look up your local animal shelter and they will get you in touch with the right people. We have adopted from and are now fostering through Pets and People Humane Society. They are also a great place to donate in supplies or financially because of all the work they do.