Prior to adulthood, the only time I visited the ocean was a cold, windy day that was cut short by rain. Long into my life as a wife and mother, I thought I wasn’t really a beach person. I’ve been on a couple of cruises, but that’s not really the same as sitting on the sand next to the shore where waves are rolling in and rolling out. The mountains have always been more my thing because of the calm it brings me. To sit in the midst of mountains is another level of living in my body. Even to go to the grocery store with the mountains peaking out feels different somehow.

A few years ago Mr. Butler went to a conference in Florida two years in a row. The first year we tagged along and spent a week at Disney since none of our kids had ever been. The second year we did Legoland, Medieval Times and spent a couple of days at the beach. There was something life changing about sitting in the sand, feeling the rhythm of the planet reset me. My daughter felt it too. Are you noticing a pattern? Nature, in its purest and most iconic forms, has an effect on me. Since I live in Oklahoma there aren’t mountains or oceans nearby, but we moved to our current home to live among the trees. And it’s my absolute favorite thing.

A few weeks ago, we had the chance to tag along with Mr. Butler again to the Destin area of Florida and stay right on the beach. Our trip coincided with the full moon and I experienced the ocean as nothing short of fury. The power - without even putting my feet in - was overwhelming. This time I didn’t feel peace or reset like I had before. This time I felt seen, if that makes sense. I guess I identified with the intensity and force it seemed to be stirring up. When you spend years of absorbing and downplaying your own reality, it comes barreling out eventually and its not quiet. Like the talkative child you force into silence for too long, years of hushed life explode everywhere.

I always feel closer to God and nourished in my spirit when I spend time in nature, even if its a little green patch in the middle of a busy city. This visit to the ocean put into perspective a beautiful picture of God that is so much more than one thing. We hear a lot about the different emotions God feels - anger, jealousy, compassion, etc. - but staring at the ocean, I better understood how nature displays His nature. The ocean is powerful, diligent, rhythmic, cyclical, not a force you want to go up against, but definitely the source you want on your side. Mountains are stable, firm, supportive, and calming to my spirit in the way the Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit guides.

We have lost a few trees on our property since we moved in and this weekend we planted three new ones. These trees were from a local farm and all a couple of years old. When we went to pull the bag/material off that it had been planted in, the real work began. The roots on the oak tree had started to grow through the material and there was no pulling that would separate them. We had to cut the material, unfortunately cut some of the roots and then pull with all our might to get it loose. The young roots were so strong that my very strong 6’2, 285lb husband couldn’t just manhandle and separate. Trees take a beating in the wind and rain, but usually withstand it mightily. Their roots run far and deep, gathering nutrients to survive. And the life-giving oxygen! They literally sustain life in the most basic way. I see the nature of God in every tree that towers over me. He nourishes from depths I never see and helps me withstand storms that would kill me on my own.

The reflection of God in our natural world seems never-ending, naturally. Yet, we don’t see it most of the time. Our time and energy is often spent on things that take us further away from Him rather than bringing us closer. Standing in front of the ocean, listening to the deafening power it possesses, I couldn’t deny God. I couldn’t deny His presence there. A visit to the ocean was all it took to experience this verse in real time.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Whether you’ve been married 40 years or divorced 3 times or never dated once, it is really easy and common to bash on marriage these days. Some will argue that its an outdated and sexist institution. Others will complain that most men/women are worthless. Or for a lot of us, it’s just more work than we’re willing to give. I know there are stories upon stories we could all tell that might validate any one of these scenarios in our mind. Today, I just want to talk about how good marriage is. You might think, “Oh, here we go.” because I spend the next few paragraphs telling you how great Mr. Butler is and how everyone should be like him. Nah, not today. Marriage is good - not because I landed a perfect one - but because when you give it a chance, it makes you both better.

From a family photo session in 2017 when I was pregnant with the Racecar.

At 22 or 23, I was internally frantic that I wasn’t married yet. It sure would have helped to know that an ADHD brain can often speed through if/then scenarios and come to the farthest possible conclusion in a matter of seconds. It didn’t mean I was always likely to be right, it just meant my brain had too much time on it’s hands. Not being married, not being engaged, and not having a boyfriend would all combine with my multi-faceted anxiety about myself as anything positive and I naturally concluded that I was never going to be married and thus live a miserable existence. Another symptom of ADHD is exaggerated emotions, but I didn’t understand that then either. In the moments that I remember the many promises of God and I still thought it possible to find a spouse, I always imagined that he would be some diamond in the rough out of nowhere that only I discovered. What’s funny about that is that God answered that request in its entirety. Mr. Butler was so unlike anyone I had ever known, I really didn’t want to date him when the idea was first presented to me. Even now, 15 years later, I am always telling him there isn’t anyone quite like him. That can be a wonderful and sweet thing, but it’s also infuriating and exhausting.

Within the first year of our marriage, it became clear that my young husband had zero bedside manner, especially when you’re sick. Or was it just when I was sick? After a dinner at Chili’s one night, I got a severe case of food poisoning. I went to sleep sick at my stomach and woke around 2 or 3 telling him I thought I was going to throw up to which he laughed at me and said “No, you’re not. Quit being a baby.” I was vindicated when I threw up everything I had a few minutes later, but his measly apology didn’t really make me feel better about the heartlessness he had shown earlier! Fast forward 5-6 years and he laughs almost hysterically as I’m about to start pushing during labor with my daughter. Yep, there’s no one like him.

In one day early in our marriage, I dropped my laptop from a window sill (because we didn’t have internet yet, but our neighbors did) and couldn’t get it working again. Mr. Butler said the words, “Go take the dog for a walk. You can’t break anything out there.” Breaking his things makes him really cranky. So, I subsequently dropped and stepped on my phone, resulting in two pieces while on that walk. I also lost my beautiful, unique and not free engagement ring. Twice. The first time was on a campout and our entire party ended up looking and finding it. Whew! The second time, I have no idea how it made it off my finger or where it is to this day. The fact that he can still smile at me today or subsequently gave me 3 children AFTER I lost it, is a miracle all its own.

Neither one of us are a walk in the park, that’s for sure. But together, we are better. He’s not perfect still. And, I know you’re shocked, but neither am I. STILL! Maybe that’s where we’ve gotten the wrong idea. When we say “They’re perfect for each other!” many of us expect it to be a final state of completion upon marriage. In reality, marriage is a tool that can shape us, mature us and sanctify us when we allow it to. Though, if we head into it (like so many of us do) thinking this person will naturally agree with everything that makes sense to me, though we carry different DNA and grew up in different homes, it’s not a surprise that we hit irreconcilable differences in no time or grow in resentment and dysfunction. Marriage is so good, but maybe it’s hard to tell because we get in its way. Sometimes we get mad at the constant tug of war not realizing that the back and forth is shaping us into a more balanced version of ourselves.

While Mr. Butler and I share similar values in parenting, religion and approach to life (we’re both first born), we are polar opposites in many, many ways. When we got married, he was rigidly structured, financially focused, and logical for days, regardless of anyone’s feelings. If you knew me at all in college, you know that all things emotional, relational, and creative were where I wanted to live. He got up early, I wanted to sleep in. He wanted to save, I was ready to spend. He saw a deadline, I saw a relationship needing attention. We started out so different. Did I change him? Did he change me? Absolutely not. Marriage did though. This beautiful commitment that God holds together has given us something to hold on to when that other person is absolutely not worth it. We are flawed and broken and maddening. But God knew we would be and gave us marriage to help us grow.

Marriage isn’t for everyone. Marriage is hard. A lot of times, marriage is simply ridiculous. But don’t ever convince yourself that marriage isn’t good. Because it is. So so good.

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